time

It's hard to believe time passes as quickly as it does. Mainly it's whether or not I have used time wisely that bothers me.

Twenty-two years ago I had my first child. I wonder about all the years in between today and that Thursday evening. I'm sure there are photographs stored away somewhere to remind me of some occasions.

Today her second birthday comes to mind. I dressed her in a little denim outfit. She posed for every picture. She had full cheeks and a big head. She wasn't fascinated with her cake just the idea that the day was set aside to celebrate her.

When I think of her all grown up and away from home doing an internship in D.C., I think about the years in between that day and today. I hope who she is today is a reflection of how I (we) spent the time.

the unknown

I have always hated being made to feel less. I'm not referring to race but in my abilities. Somehow this has been woven into the fabric of what makes Pam. I'm sure if I researched this it would lead me back to some place in time where I was left out of some event I deemed important. What instantly comes to mind is the time my older siblings went to see Star Wars. This was of course in the 70's and we walked everywhere. We all started walking to the movie theater down town and I'm not tall and I was young so I couldn't keep up. They left me. I cried all afternoon. Consequently, I hate Star Wars and have never seen a single movie!

For years in so many arenas I have repeatedly tried to overcompensate for this feeling. I hate not knowing. I'm discovering more and more I am very uncomfortable in this place. It leaves me feeling small inside. It leaves me on the front porch waiting for everyone else to return from the show.